I know it’s been a while but I’m back and feeling more savage (aka honest) than ever!!

Not too long ago I was talking to a friend about one of the inevitable questions that comes up when you’re perusing the dating apps.

You may be guessing but no it’s not ‘How’s your day?’ or ‘Where do you live?’

It’s…

‘What are you looking for?’

And I joked that if the majority of people were more upfront, their answer would be the title of this post!! (Except sadly I’m not really joking!)

Now I’m not saying that this is the intention of most people. (Although there are some people out there who genuinely fall into what’s known as ‘the dark tetrad’ who enjoy inflicting emotional suffering on any innocent who happens to stumble across their path, but I digress.) But if you’ve ever experienced the ‘joys’ of modern app dating you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about.

Some are so confused about what it is they want, or how to get it, or who they want it with, I’m not sure that anyone is equipped to honestly answer this question anymore. And in our quest to figure out what we want we can sometimes leave a path of hurt and destruction in our wake.

I’m a little sad to admit I’ve recently been stung and even though I have a lot of ‘wisdom’ (or perhaps ‘experience’ is more exact) in this area, even at my big age I can still be blindsided in this modern dating arena – and let me tell you those gladiators who had to fight lions would not survive in today’s streets!!

So what are the warning signs of head*** behaviour I hear you ask? I’m talking a Caribbean J’ouvert of all your nations flags – at least the red ones – waving in the air…

They breadcrumb you – give you brief ‘breadcrumbs’ of attention and affection but with varying consistency so that you believe they must be interested, or why else would they not just completely ghost you, but in reality they do not want to build a meaningful connection with you. It could be that they’re not available whether it be emotionally or that they are already in a committed relationship. The reason for breadcrumbing isn’t important but if someone is being consistently inconsistent with you and not able to give you a clear explanation as to why, they do not deserve access to you.

They try to neg you – give you a subtle insult masked as a compliment so that you feel just inferior enough to want to seek their approval. I remember I was once walking back to the train station after spending a lovely afternoon with a friend when a complete stranger decided to call out to me (unprovoked I might add as I hadn’t even seen him before he spoke). “You’d look prettier if you smiled!” Fortunately I knew exactly what his game was so I laughed in his face and kept it stepping. If anyone ever attempts to do this to you don’t even give them the satisfaction of a response.

They want to be treated like your SO but they don’t treat you as if you’re significant to them – unfortunately there are those who want the benefits of being in a relationship but do not want the responsibility that comes along with it. And you may notice the following things. They’re happy to accept King or Queen treatment from you but they don’t treat you in the same way. They have zero idea what your love language is and don’t even offer you treatment to their own love language preference. There’s no compromise everything seems to be on their terms, they’re happy to do the things they want to do but if you make any request it’s ignored, met with silence or a flat out refusal.

They’re dishonest – now I’m sure we’ve all experienced those who can’t seem to help but tell lies. It’s all the more confusing in those situations when it’s something that’s so easily disproven. You may notice a pattern of them contradicting themselves when sharing a story for the second time about the same situation. You may experience several instances where what they’re telling you doesn’t seem to add up or they share details that can’t easily be checked, You may also notice that when you challenge inconsistencies they respond with aggressive defensiveness. Unfortunately this may mean that you are being faced with an habitual liar.

Your gut is telling you this person is not right for you – sometimes we can’t quite pinpoint why but we just have a feeling that a person does not wish us well. It’s called ‘Instinct’ and we have it for a reason, don’t get me wrong we can all make mistakes and of course sometimes we may jump to conclusions so it’s important to communicate when something is bothering us and allow those we care about the chance to explain. However, don’t ignore that niggling feeling because it could be to your detriment. Voice your concerns and monitor how they respond to you. Do they hold space for you? Do they reassure you? Do they show accountability? Or do they get defensive, make excuses and try to pin all of the blame on you leaving you feeling insecure and misunderstood? Let their actions and not just their words do the talking.

And it’s not always others, sometimes we can perpetuate toxicity without meaning to or because we are carrying around unhealed hurt and trauma. So it’s also important that we take care when dealing with the hearts of others. While it doesn’t seem fair we do not always experience the same depth of feeling that others sometimes feel for us so when we come across these situations: Be accountable, take responsibility for your own actions and pay attention to when you may not be in the best place to provide what others may need. Be honest and open in your communication, holding space for others to share their feelings without judgement and the need to respond from a place of defensiveness. Be kind, it’s not easy to let others know you don’t want to progress with them but we do choose the way in which we approach this.