Quite a lot actually…

To quote the great RuPaul “If you don’t love yourself, how in the HELL you gonna love somebody else?” yet we’ve been encouraged to focus on chasing romantic love above all other forms of love, and it’s only been in very recent years that there’s been more focus on boosting self-love!

Why is self love so important?

Accepting yourself for exactly who you are ‘warts and all’ is not the easiest of tasks for many of us, especially those of us who may have experienced trauma during our childhoods and yet if we get it right it’s the most integral to our overall wellbeing. Studies have inferred that those with high self-regard and high self-compassion are better able to face challenges and manage stress, in other words they have higher resilience. Having high self-esteem has also been shown to contribute to career advancement possibly due to having greater confidence, motivation and increased productivity. Individuals with higher self-worth have also demonstrated better overall physical health including heart health.

While of course there are aspects of ourselves we find it difficult to love and focusing on self-growth/improvement of these parts is advantageous (or at the very least working to recognise the triggers that cause our shadow selves to rear their ugly heads). It’s also essential for us to learn to understand and accept the things about ourselves we often wish to hide.

Signs you don’t love yourself..

For some of us although we may believe we love ourselves, there are some signs that indicate we don’t always value ourselves as highly as we could. 

Firstly, the compassion and grace that you naturally extend to your nearest and dearest you don’t direct towards yourself. I’m sure you’ve heard or seen the question ‘would you say that to your best friend?’ after making a complaint about yourself. We all have that inner critical voice, reminding us of our mistakes or highlighting the character traits we possess that we may not like. It’s crucial that we don’t let that voice rule our thoughts or impact our decisions and find a way to balance the negative self-talk with positivity and respect.

You may find it virtually impossible to set boundaries or when you attempt to set a boundary you allow others to trample all over them with ease. You may find you struggle to say no to things and often ‘people please’ in order to receive external validation. As women we’ve been raised to believe that ‘no’ is a bad word, but it’s imperative for your wellbeing to be able to assess situations and decline whether the reason is to avoid taking on too much and putting yourself in danger of burnout or to be able to prioritise something for yourself. 

Which brings me on to the next sign that you may not love yourself. You dedicate yourself to others never making space for your own needs and wants. Whether it’s your family, your friends, a romantic partner or even your children, while yes of course part of being in community means that we may need to care for others and see to their needs, it’s vital to also make space for yourself. I often hark to the airplane example, during the safety demonstration where they say ‘you must put your own mask on before helping others’ or a dear friend of mine often uses the phrase ‘you can’t pour from an empty cup’. If you don’t see to your own needs whether they be physical or psychological you won’t be able to function effectively and provide the care and support that others may need from you anyway. 

You hold yourself to impossible standards of perfection, while it’s beneficial to have standards for ourselves we can sometimes place unrealistic expectations on ourselves and if we don’t meet these it can throw us into a tailspin triggering feelings of inadequacy. Which in turn gives us an excuse to berate ourselves and exacerbates our feelings of low self-worth. It’s a vicious cycle and one we do not need to be a part of. 

How to cultivate self-love?

Get to know yourself, it may sound silly but we may not know ourselves as deeply as we think we do, often prioritising the things we’ve been told we should want and not necessarily taking the time to explore whether we actually want those things. We also change as we get older and the things that used to feel so important may evolve over time.

Make time for yourself, we are often so busy doing all the things, we don’t make time to spend with or for ourselves. Schedule in a regular date with yourself, do not let anything disrupt that time and spend it doing the things that light you up, whether its spending time in nature, doing something creative or re-watching your favourite film or re-reading your favourite book. It’s important to dedicate time to yourself in amongst all the ‘have to do’s’.

Prioritise your physical health, the fitter we are the better we feel and potentially the longer time we’ll have on this earth to do all the things we enjoy.

Practice gratitude and self-recognition. Take the time whether it’s once a week or once a month to write down all of the things you’re grateful for in your life including the things about your character that you absolutely adore.

Spend time with people who lift you up and make you feel seen. We can’t always control who we have to spend most of our time with but we can make an effort to spend time with those who recharge us rather than drain us. 

Forgive yourself for the mistakes you’ve made, logically we know none of us are perfect but we can sometimes hold on to guilt and beat ourselves up for the things we’ve ‘done wrong’ whether it’s acting in a way that’s not in alignment with our values or disappointing someone important to us, we’ve all done it and may well do it again in the future. Loving yourself means treating yourself with the same compassion you extend to those you care deeply about. You can choose to reflect on the mistake and how you can avoid something similar in the future but let go of the shame and the blame.

I’m a huge advocate of counselling, it saved me at a time in my life when I needed it and my only regret is that I didn’t do it sooner. Having dedicated time to explore and increase your own self-awareness is a huge gift you can give to yourself and can help with quite a lot of the above.

Like many things self-love is not always ready made but it is something we can get better at if we prioritise and practice it regularly. For now I’ll leave you with a poem by Kim McMillen (which was read by Charlie Chaplin at his 70th Birthday) ‘As I Began to Love Myself‘