As the year drew to a close I began to reflect on other endings I’ve had to face. I’ve always experienced mixed feelings when things come to an end.
As a child I was an ardent bookworm. I ploughed through books as I loved traversing various lives and worlds all from the comfort of my own sofa. As I’ve gotten older unfortunately I find less time to dedicate to reading but I do still manage to watch films and over the years I’ve enjoyed numerous TV series’.
No matter which medium I use as a means of escapism, it’s always been a bitter sweet feeling for me when my favourite characters ultimately get their happy endings. As much as I am always so pleased that whatever they were striving for, they (generally) eventually attained. I’d often feel a sense of great loss as if a dear friend of mine had moved away and I wasn’t going to see or speak to them ever again.
My little brain would also always wonder what happened to them following the closing of the book, or once the credits started rolling? Did they go on to live their untarnished happily ever afters or like real life individuals did they come up against further challenges they needed to negotiate?
I suppose this feeling isn’t felt only by me, hence why the film, TV and book industries seem to now be over-saturated with sequels and spin offs.
I remember back to one of the earlier ‘endings’ in my own life that had an impact on me…
On the last day of primary school I was excited to start senior school following the summer holiday but I was also a touch sorrowful as I knew I’d miss the friends that were going to a different school to me and the teachers I’d come to be deeply fond of. As we were about to leave the school gates of Windy Arbor Primary School for the final time a wave of sadness hit me and I began to cry reminiscing and cherishing the 7 years I’d spent there.
Since that day, I’ve had to encounter many more endings especially through my academic career and as I get older dealing with moments ending doesn’t get much easier.
In the last year (and a bit) I’ve had to experience a few major endings.
I had to face the end of my 20s and while I didn’t become the train-wreck I predicted I would. Entering my 30s has been a bit of an emotional roller coaster for me as I think it forced me to confront certain feelings and acknowledge wanting certain things I hadn’t wanted or hadn’t realised I wanted before.
In the middle of last year prior to taking extended leave and travelling around Asia for the better part of 2 months I was fortunate enough to secure a new role within my company. Although I really enjoyed my previous role after two and a half years I’d long since started to feel the ‘itch’. and had been questioning myself about what was next My initial plan was to take my two month sabbatical and then start the hard slog of looking for a new job.
The stars seemed to align for me over the Summer as my dream job was created within my company prior to me going away and I was ecstatic when I was told I’d had a successful interview. However as eager as I was to leave my previous role when it came to my last few weeks I felt that niggle of slight regret about leaving my beloved colleagues and the network I had built from scratch.
I also made the grown up decision to live on my own. As I mentioned in The Year of Indecision I have wanted to live alone for a very long time. However after 4 years living with a very dear friend, on my final few days in the flat that had been my home for most of my time in London, I felt unexpectedly discomfited at the thought of leaving.
Cheesy as it may sound, although all of these endings affected me they led to thrilling new beginnings.
The beginning of my fourth decade, while alarming to realise that it’s come around so quickly, for all I know this may be be my best decade yet. I do believe the older we get the more we learn about ourselves, the world and others. Who I am now is an enhanced version of who I used to be yet I am still an un-evolved version of my future self.
The beginning of a new job which feels as though it was created for me. I am very passionate about the subject I’ve been working on and I finally feel as though my role has meaning and will fulfil me in ways I haven’t yet experienced in my previous “doing it for the money” jobs.
And last but not least the beginning of actually being the super independent woman I have always claimed I am but if I’m honest when it comes to my living situation I haven’t ever been this independent. I am living in a gorgeous flat and finally feel completely at home in my surroundings for the first time, not sharing and/or living in somebody else’s home.
As we’ve begun a brand new year maybe reflect on some of the endings you had to face in 2018. How did they make you feel? Did they lead to exciting new beginnings?
Finally, I pray that 2019 is a phenomenal year full of many exciting new beginnings for you all.
Happy New Year
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