The Year of Indecision

As some of you may remember from my post Dear Sharniya

I suffer from the, sometimes obstructive, affliction of wanting too much.

And as Buddha stated in the Second Noble truth of Buddhism “The root of all suffering is desire” aka wanting.

Don’t get me wrong in a few circumstances wanting can be a strangely motivating feeling as it can propel you to strive to achieve your goals.

However wanting too much can also be negative as it may generate feelings of discontent when the things you want haven’t actually been attained as yet.

Unfortunately for me this affliction is also coupled with acute impatience. In fact I’d go so far as to say that Impatience is one of my most dominant characteristics.

Occasionally, impatience too can have positive outcomes for instance when it comes to the decision making process it can be key driver in me making quick decisions. It can also be an enforcer for change and challenging the status quo.

I also think that one of the greatest things about being impatient coupled with ‘wanting too much’ is that I do believe that it’s these aspects of my personality that make me (for want of a better term) a “go-getter”.

However dear friends this year two of my deeply entrenched personality facets clashed in a detrimental way.

For a great many years I have wanted to take some time out to travel. However due to life circumstances I have not had many opportunities to do more than take the requisite 2 week holiday.  At the beginning of this year I decided I had been doing my job for long enough that I could ask to take some extended leave and luckily this was granted to me.

Conversely as much as I have enjoyed my current role I also felt that it was past time for me to start looking for something else. But I was very aware that it wouldn’t be a good look to find a new job and then tell them I was going off for 2-3 months. Ultimately, if I decided to start looking for a new job at that point my leave would have to be sacrificed.

On a more personal level I have been living either in shared accommodation or with family for all of my adult life. Being the fiercely independent woman I am, I have wanted to live on my own for a very long time.

As a teenager I had a very complete vision of what my adult life would look like. I’d live in the greatest city in the world (New York). I’d own a shiny red cabriolet car. I’d own the cutest kitten ever, I’d wear ridiculously high heels every day. I’d be invited to all of the most exciting parties. I’d also live in a bright, spacious penthouse apartment, with floor to ceiling windows that overlooked the glittering lights of the city,  and in addition to all of these things that ultimately have not panned out yet I lived in the penthouse on my own.

Unfortunately the reality of living in a big city (particularly the capital) means that expenses, especially rent, are a lot higher than in other cities and living alone is not always economically viable. Which has meant that I have had to share accommodation for longer than I ideally would have liked.

I now find myself in the fortunate position where living alone could be feasible but I am also the kind of person that likes to enjoy life and I am often found tapping my contactless debit card at numerous establishments around the city. What can I say I’m a socialite on a budget!

As you will probably be aware I turned 30 last year and I decided then that while I could save more staying in my current living situation, fundamentally it was long past time for me to find a home to call my own.

Alas you’d think those three things would be enough to pursue for one year but another of my long held yearnings recently became a focus for me. Ever since I was eleven years old I have possessed what you would call a womanly figure, most would call me buxom. For any women out there who have had the misfortune of growing large breasts at quite a young age, you will know that they come with their various drawbacks. One of them being the susceptibility to gravity.

Over the years the thought of whether to have a breast lift (also called Mastopexy) has flitted in and out of my mind but I have never seriously considered it. Until this year…

As I’m sure you will have worked out, I couldn’t realistically do all of these things at the same time. I equally wanted to stay in my role so I could travel and start to look for something new. While I also wanted to be able to save for my surgery and move into my own home.

Ultimately I wanted these four things very much and infuriatingly I wanted them all at the same time. Although I couldn’t afford to do them all neither could I physically do them all at the same time and I just couldn’t decide which to make my priority. I continually bothered a couple of my friends with my ever changing thoughts and I owe them so much gratitude for putting up with my constant fluctuations. Especially when I would decide on a course of action and then promptly question whether I had made the right decision.

After a lot of deliberation I did eventually settle on a decision that made sense for me but I have to say for someone who generally likes to make quick effective decisions it was exceedingly difficult to be mired in indecision for so long.

But on the flip side it’s also positive to know that I have so many viable exciting life enhancing options…

So you may be interested to know what decision I ended up making…

Well as you’re reading this I will be boarding a plane to Thailand… the other 3 can wait.

Wish me Bon Voyage


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